des lettres de moi, et pour moi

I had been a firm believer that love is the most divine thing in life, that’s why I fall hard, and I bravely (or recklessly) take the risk of getting hurt because in the end, I will choose to love anyway. I don’t know if that counts as being foolish or not, but it feels like the right thing to do. I fell the hardest this year with an amazing affectionate man. Despite the pain that feels overwhelming right now, I cannot ignore the real tranquility of when he let me enjoy an exquisite affogato, clinging to him with his arms around me and my feet floating above the seabed while we danced with the waves, and watching the sunset while we lie down on our paddle board at the palm – an activity that was intended to be done together at the very beginning, and executed 8 months later, just at the brink of all this dream. I found tranquility in his eyes. There were countless moments with him that I describe as pure joy and being immensely present, and never had I ever felt like I wished to be som

What is lost forever means it is never meant to be ours Today, I have lost him. As I write that sentence, tears begin to pool in my eyes and chaos arise in my chest. Nothing today can lift up the pain felt all over my body. Every cell of it is aware of the loss. I start sobbing. Another love, another heartbreak. It feels like I've just woken up, and reality hits me - was it all just a dream?  Indeed, we physically only spent approximately 6 weeks together. To me, it didn't matter. Life is short and time is relative. If I only had 6 weeks to live, I would have spent it in pure happiness with him the way we did. Every moment was cherished because feeling happy with him was so incredibly easy and effortless. I struggled with the frustration of keeping him in my life. The distance has been our most difficult obstacle. How we met was a unique situation. He couldn't have me the way he preferred, which I could understand but found hard to accept. But what was the point of forcing

August 2023 I let Vasco Rossi sing in the background. The song echoes in a deep blue-colored room somewhere in Jakarta at 2 AM, and I let the taste of Pistachino from somewhere in Palermo linger on my tongue. It's unbelievably intense how our senses of hearing and taste can evoke memories. As the first notes of his piano played, I remember lying in his bed and hesitatingly opening my legs, my left hand holding my phone to shine a spotlight on my vagina, and him near the right of my hip, trying to open my legs wide. If other people saw this, they would think we were about to make a porn video of him fingering my p*ssy, but he was about to excise a probably infected cyst on my vulva with the needle placed between his thin lips. I proposed a song to be played while he does this horrific procedure so it doesn't feel too sinister for me, and right before a song played, he said it would be funny if Alexa chose Classics. When the piano of Albachiara played, we laughed so hard because

 In my third decade of life, I remain to be conscious of the importance and fortune of having a family. There are many things in life we take for granted, those who don't spend time to reflect on this will certainly feel less value in what they own as it has become a normalcy. Once it is taken away, it is too late to realize its importance.  I realize too that some family members may have some traits that from time to time can bring tension to the table, initiate unnecessary debates, or ask for a favor inconsiderately beyond the other's capacity. I understand that life hasn't been treating us all the same, and so luck and fortune doesn't fall equal to everyone. It is reasonable that some of their behaviors are just a response to how life has been treating them. Life does become more challenging the older we get, freedom comes with the cost of bearing responsibilities and taking control of things even if you don't feel like it. But having family means sharing of both

June 20th, Jakarta (Myself), Palermo (Andrea) Last night I watched him sleeping in his bed at his family's apartment in Palermo. He is continents away. His travel to his homeland gave me an anticipation of worry. Well, I don't feel worried at all about him seeing his ex wife, or the fact that he will surely meet his best friend who happens to be a woman. I think it's more about him being in a land where he grew up, and spent most of his life shaping his character and personality, a land with memories of his past life. Maybe I'm worried that he comes into a realization of how crazy this whole thing we have together and perhaps arrive to the conclusion that it's too insane, too difficult to carry on - and why bother. Yet, this man that I love sent me pictures of him with his nieces and called me before bed as he usually would, and confessing all of his feelings again for the millionth time, and I know by now that I'm addicted to hearing it and sharing mine. All of

Dubai, April 29th (wrote long after) The first time I met Andrea was after I did my theory exam to get a medical license in the UK. The second time I met him was when I had to do another theory exam to obtain my practice license in UAE. There was a strong, palpable excitement after each passing day that neared my flight date. I had a countdown on my phone. My excitement to meet Andrea again overcame the fear I had about the exam. I exerted my best to prepare for it, of course, but in my head, I know there was not any perfect way to score, I just have to rely on my expertise of basic knowledge and trust myself that I'm competent.  On the flight, I remember how long time felt for me. I couldn't wait to feel his arms and kiss his soft lips. I would most likely run to him like a little girl running to her daddy. I was also filled with some apprehension, wondering what if the spark was not there anymore? What if it only meant to last for those 3 magical days with him? Till now, I st